It takes time to actually become a Permanent Deacon. A time for more than classes, lectures and reading. The remaining decades turned me into a true deacon, a better servant, with my interactions with members of CGS and the Archdiocese of Galveston-Houston.
Marriage preparation was a cornerstone of my ministry. I enjoyed and learned much about life from my interaction with young couples who desired to be married in the Catholic Church. Parish and diocesan policy required they meet several times with a deacon or priest who would witness their exchange of vows. My own procedure was to have an initial conversation in which we would get to know one another. Then, there would be two or three hour-long sessions on content, those issues important for consideration with regard to a long-lasting marriage. A session would follow for the completion of paperwork required by the diocese. The final interaction would be the planning of the liturgical celebration, itself.
Our initial interaction was usually a pleasant one for my learning about the bride and groom to be: how they met, what they saw in one another, why they wanted to get married. Our concluding discussion for that initial evening together was always interesting.
I asked them a question that no one had ever asked them before: “tell me about your God.” There was no single, “correct” answer, of course, but I did work with them to reach a conclusion that each one of them had a personal divinity, a power beyond themselves that could be called “God” and that they had an individual relationship with this “being.” Our conversation focused on the concept that they were about to enter a lifelong covenant relationship with one another and with this God. If they could not accept this concept, they should not get married in the Catholic Church. They should enter into a contract with a Justice of the Peace as their witness. In thirty-plus years of interacting with couples, I never had any one of them conclude otherwise. They may not have been a Catholic, or even a Christian, but they all had a personal divinity with whom they could relate and with whom they desired to enter a libeling covenant along with their spouse.
Over the years there were only a few couples about whom I had doubts that they would be able to work through the issues ahead of them. I never told them they should not get married, but I did extend their intermediary sessions beyond the usual two or three meetings – often until they, themselves, reached the conclusion that their marriage was premature, and they would stop coming to our sessions. A few times they would call me months later and we would resume the preparation.
Our intermediate discussions included the usual issues of family history (they were marrying more than a single spouse; they were marrying each other’s relatives, as well) and finances (along with plans and desires for work, housing and purchases.) They seemed to enjoy the question about how much could each spend without a prior notification or spousal agreement, along with the suggestion that there might be three accounts: a joint one for all family expenses and two separate, modest ones for each of them so they could buy “surprise” presents for each other or save up for individual personal expenditures that would be difficult to “justify” to someone else but were important to their own interests. Parenting issues were also important, including their plans about when and how many children each wanted, as well as their feelings about what might they do if having their own, biological children might not be possible.
By the time we had completed these conversations, I never had a problem when it came to the evening for “paperwork” and the formal agreements by the Catholic party in so-called mixed marriages. Neither the Catholic nor the non-Catholic partner had any issues about the formal dispensation process.
Of course, it was usually a fun evening to plan the wedding. They had few problems choosing the options available from walking in with a parent or two, to what readings to have, and how they should be “introduced” as a newlywed couple as they left the assembly.
I was fortunate in having to deal with only one horrible-mother-of-the-bride in more than two hundred weddings I witnessed. When I learned from the wedding-coordinator that this MoB really had not wanted to give me a stipend, I never cashed the check she gave me. On the other hand, I did not always receive a stipend from a couple; it’s no surprise that Catholic clergy could not survive if they did not receive a minimal salary from the Diocese along with room and board – and a car-allowance. It’s economically advantageous for the Diocese that Permanent Deacons usually have outside employment.